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TORQUIL MAC FERRON 















Plays for Children by 
S. Lyle Cummins 
volume in 


GOLDILOCKS AND THE 
THREE BEARS 


TORQUIL MAC FERRON 


THOMAS OLIFANT 


TYRANNY 





PLAYS FOR CHILDREN 


By S. LYLE CUMMINS 

With coloured Frontispieces and other Illustrations by 
G. L. Stampa 


Volume I BLUEBEARD 

HAROUN EL RASHID 

Volume II st. george and the dragon 

THE SLEEPING BEAUTY 

Volume III GOLDILOCKS AND THE THREE 
BEARS 

TORQUIL MAC FERRON 
THOMAS OLIFANT 
TYRANNY 


New York: GEORGE H. DORAN COMPANY 




GOLDILOCKS AND 
THE THREE BEARS 


TORQUIL 
MAC FERRON 


THOMAS OLIFANT 


TYRANNY 

BY 

S. LYLE CUMMINS 


Illustrated by 
G. L. STAMPA 


NEW YORK 

GEORGE H. DORAN COMPANY 





COPYRIGHT, 1923, 

BY GEORGE H. DORAN COMPANY 



PLAYS FOR CHILDREN. VOLUME III 
PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA 


SEP 28 ?3 



FOREWORD 


In making use of such well-known char¬ 
acters as Goldilocks and the Three Bears for 
his play, the Author has tried to be perfectly 
fair to both sides. If Goldilocks had been a 
Bear and if, in that character, she had eaten 
the porridge and slept in the beds of a human 
Papa and Mamma and their little child, we 
should have known exactly what to think. 
As it is, the Author confesses to being a little 
puzzled. But being human and realising 
that Bears must be kept in their proper 
place, he has, perhaps, shown some slight 
bias in favour of Goldilocks, and he hopes 
that this attitude may appeal to his readers, 
few of whom are likely to be Bears. “Tor- 
quil Mac Ferron,” “Thomas Olifant” and 
“Tyranny” deal with characters new to the 
public. One of them, Barebones, advocates 
an attitude towards children which is sure 


v 


Foreword 


to be much discussed. Here, too, an at¬ 
tempt has been made to hold the balance 
even, and the Author trusts that “grown¬ 
ups” will forgive him for allowing the final 
victory to remain, as it usually does, with 
the inhabitants of the Nursery. 


vi 


HOW TO PRODUCE CHILDREN’S 
PLAYS 


To get the best fun out of these Children’s 
Plays, they must be staged by the players 
themselves according to their own ideas and 
with such properties as are available or can 
be improvised at home. An important point 
is that the longest and hardest part is prefer¬ 
ably taken by a “grown-up” upon whose 
strength the younger actors can lean for sup¬ 
port. The other parts are some long and 
some short to suit all ages, and the fact that 
the plays are in rhyme makes it quite easy 
for children to learn their parts. Masks may 
be made from wire netting bent into the ap¬ 
propriate shape, over which brown paper is 
pasted to make a surface. On this surface, 
when dry, eyes, nostrils or ears can be fixed 
or painted, and through it, eye-holes can be 
pierced to ensure visibility to the actor. By 


How to Produce Children’s Plays 

working up paper with paste, a pulpy ma¬ 
terial can be made from which eye-brows, 
beaks or fangs can be moulded and stuck on 
to embellish the mask. Body coverings can 
be made of sacking with paper scales, feath¬ 
ers or fur as required. Armour is best fash¬ 
ioned from stout cardboard covered with 
silver paper. Scimitars, broad swords, 
daggers, and other weapons can be manu¬ 
factured from wood cut to the proper shape 
and covered with silver or gold paper, and 
wound round with coloured wools or silks 
to give the effect of jewelled hilts or sheaths. 
As for costumes, it may safely be left to the 
mothers and aunts of the performers to pro¬ 
duce all that is required from wardrobes, 
linen cupboards, trunks and other secret 
places where silks, satins, ribbons, laces and 
all kinds of finery lie safely folded, hidden 
away like beautiful moths or butterflies in 
their chrysalises awaiting the appointed 
hour. 


Vlll 


CONTENTS 

Goldilocks and the Three Bears 
Torquil Mac Ferron 
Thomas Olifant 
Tyranny. 


15 

45 

73 

97 













ILLUSTRATIONS 


torquil mac ferron . . , Frontispiece 

PAGE 

“why, it’s dearest papa!” . . . 17 

“but HOW CAN I GIVE THEM THE THINGS THAT 

aren’t there?” . . 21 

“what a porridgy smell!” . . 27 

“one would think it was bears” . . 35 

EXIT goldilocks. 39 

“poor pussy, come here” .... 47 

“that’s the second just here! why, it’s 

SHEER FORCE OF HABIT” . t . . ,. 55 

“it’s dreadful to be stabbed deep through 

THE LUNGS AND THE LIVER” . 61 

“see this gentle maid’s distress; 

SEE THIS ANCIENT LADy’s TEARS” . . 67 

“oh, heavens! it is he” . . ... 77 

“oh, do be a pussy for number sixteen” . 83 

“cookoo!” ......... 87 


XI 


Illustrations 


PAGE 

“BEATRICE AND PHCEBE BOTH ADORE THEIR 

cousin dear!”. 91 

“well, SHE IS LARGE AND SEVERE, WITH A CHILD 

ON HER KNEE”. 99 

EXECUTIONER. CHANCELLOR. POLICEMAN. 

“hoch, donner und blitzer!” 

“good gracious!” 

“my word!” 103 

“you know all about cooking and kissing.” 

“yes, darling!”. 107 

“we condemn you to death” . . . Ill 


GOLDILOCKS AND THE 
THREE BEARS 


DRAMATIS PERSONAE 


father bear, A Carnivorous Male. 
mrs. bear, His Wife. 
tiny bear, Their Son. 
goldilocks, All that she should be. 

THE DOLLY, Ditto. 


GOLDILOCKS AND 
THE THREE BEARS 


Scene I. The bears’ Cottage . Doors right 
and left . A window in background . 
father bear is just hanging up his hat 
on arrival from business, mrs. bear 
and tiny bear are seated at the table. 

MRS. bear 

Why, it’s dearest Papa! Well, this is such 
a pleasure! 

You’re so kind to come early for lunch with 
our Treasure 
On his second birthday. 

father bear 
Now, to make us all gay, 

Father, Mother and Tiny Bear, what do you 
say 

To some dainty for lunch? 

15 


Goldilocks 


[SCENE I 


TINY BEAR 

Something lovely to munch! 

FATHER BEAR 

Something succulent, soft, for our baby to 
crunch, 

Some delicious tit-bit for our dear little 
lad— 

Yet that won’t be— insipid —for darling old 
Dad! 


MRS. BEAR 

What! A banquet? A feast? 

TINY BEAR 

Yes, Mamma ... 

FATHER BEAR 

“Feed the Beast,” 
That’s the motto for competent Housewives! 

MRS. BEAR 

At least, 

You’ll allow me a moment to think. Good¬ 
ness Gracious! 

16 


SCENE i] and the Three Bears 



“why, it’s dearest PAPA^ 


t” 


I 



















SCENE i] 


Goldilocks 


These masculine bears are so very voracious! 
I shall have to use tact! 

[Aloud] Dearest Husband, 

in fact 

I was just thinking out a delightful collation, 
At a price that is easy for folk in our sta¬ 
tion . . . 

Something simple . . . and good . . . 
Some nice natural food. 

Not too spicy or rich or inflaming or heating! 

TINY BEAR 

Boo-hoo! 


FATHER BEAR 

Now, you won’t be unkind to 
our sweeting! 

[Kissing tiny bear] Don’t say wholesome! 
You know how he cries at that word! 

MRS. BEAR 

There you go, spoiling Baby! I think you’re 
absurd. 


19 


Goldilocks [scene i 

If you’d kindly say just what you’re want¬ 
ing .. . 


TINY BEAR 

Boo-hoo! 

MRS. BEAR 

I’ll go into the question of what I can do. 

FATHER BEAR 

[Chucking her under the chin\ 

Don’t be cross, dearest Wifle! 

Why, food’s but a trifle, 

Little Bruno and I merely wish for a snack! 
It’s so nice to lunch well when to lunch one 
gets back . . . 

Now, what do you say to a joint*? . . . Let 
me see . . . 

To a shoulder of Parson or Ribs of 
Solicitor*? . . . 

Remember that Daddy’s a very rare visitor 
At the home mid-day meal, . . . 

I could do with some veal . . . 

20 


SCENE i] 


and the Three Bears 



“BUT HOW CAN I GIVE THEM THE THINGS 
THAT AREN’T THERE?” 

21 





























scene i] Goldilocks 

All the better, derived from a plump human 
suckling . . . 

TINY BEAR 

Hooray! 


FATHER BEAR 

So he wanted his dinner, the 
Duckling. [Pats him 

Hurry up, Mrs. Bear, 

And the table prepare. 

MRS. BEAR 

[Aside] 

But how can I give them the things that 

aren't there? 

I shall have to persuade . . . 

[Aloud] Dearest Brune, I’m afraid 
That in weather like this, such strong meats 
are not wise; 

In the case of a meal, there are limits . . . 
of size . . . 

And . . . our Baby! Just think of his dear 
little tummy! 

Is it prudent^ 


23 


Goldilocks 


[SCENE I 


TINY BEAR 

Boo-hoo! 

MRS. BEAR 

Darling, come 

to its Mummy! 

[To father bear] I suggest something 
simple and not too carnivorous. 

FATHER BEAR 

From sago and salads and lentils . . . de¬ 
liver us! 

[To tiny bear] Let’s look in the cupboard. 

MRS. BEAR 

[Aside] 

I’m lost if they forage . . . 

[Aloud] You can look where you like! . . . 
I’ve got nothing but porridge! 

FATHER BEAR 

[Looking in Cupboard] 

Well, it’s clear that there’s nothing to scratch 
off one’s fur about! 

24 


scene i] and the Three Bears 

I’ll take Babe for a walk while you cook us 
our stir-about. . . . 

[Aside] Wretched stuff! It’s about as at¬ 
tractive as bread. 

[Aloud] Come and tell us the news when 
the table is spread. 

[Exeunt father bear and tiny 

BEAR 


MRS. BEAR 

[Bustling about at her work] 

Hoity toity! Dear me! So it’s meat that 
they’re after, 

As a female, I greet such suggestions with 
laughter. 

With Solicitor’s ribs six-and-eightpence the 
pound 

What’s the price, may I ask, with three Bears 
to serve round? 

And if once I give way—or my rules if I 
break, 

They’ll want Harley Street beef at three 
guineas the steak! 

[Stirs the porridge savagely 

25 


Goldilocks 


[scene I 


’Tis for him to provide, 

’Tis for me to prepare! 

Let him grumble and chide 
He must do with what’s there! 

He can smack his thick lips over banquets 
ethereal 

But YU cook what he kills, or—just feed 
him on cereal. 

[Serves three helpings of porridge 
and goes out 

GOLDILOCKS 

[.Appearing at the window and looking in] 
What a darling wee cottage, all hidden away 
In the depths of the forest! How gladly 
we’d play 

With the children that live here! 

[To her dolly] What fortunate mites 
To run wild in the woods through the days 
and the nights 
Of the summer and spring! 

Shall we knock*? Shall we ring*? 

But there’s no bell or knocker; ’tis hardly 
the thing 


26 


SCENE i] and the Three Bears 



“what a porridgy smell !” 



























scene i] Goldilocks 

To jump in through the window. Fll try 
with my fist! [Taps 

Why, there’s no one about. [Taps] I can 
hardly resist 

Having one little peep . . . 

[Gets half into the room and jumps 
back 

P’raps they’re only asleep; 

[Gets half in again 

But I hardly should waken them up if I 
cree p. [Gets into the room 

What a porridgy smell! and I’m famished, 
you know . . . 

It’s some hours since we finished our break¬ 
fast to go 

For a walk in the wood. My! It does just 
smell good. . . . [Notices the table 

And lo and behold, here are dishes for three! 

Now, I wonder who’s left them! Perhaps 
they’re for me! [Looks right and left 

Not a soul in the place [Sniffs at plates ] 
It’s a perfect disgrace 

To allow this good food to get cold . . . 

29 


Goldilocks 


[scene I 


[Picks up a spoon'] Just a trace! 

[Eats some 

Why, it’s simply delicious . . . Fll have one 
more bite! [Finishes the plate 

We might just as well finish the lot! 

[Takes the last plate 
[To dolly] Is it right*? [Eats more 

Well, ’tis good , right or wrong; 

Now Fll just run along 
To take forty winks on some stretcher or 
bed. [Kissing dolly 

After five hours’ hard marching the poor 
child’s half dead! [Exit right 

Enter the three bears 

tiny bear 

I’m so hungry! 


MRS. BEAR 

Poor Darling, 
Now, where is his feeder? 

30 


SCENE l] and the Three Bears 


FATHER BEAR 

Let him find it himself; does he want a 
Bear Leader 4 ? 


MRS. BEAR 

You’ve a horrible temper. Do let the child 
be! 


FATHER BEAR 

Who’s been touching my Platter? Tis 
empty. Just see! 

TINY BEAR 

[ Sobbing ] 

I’m so hungry! 

MRS. BEAR 

Mine too! 

TINY BEAR 

Give me something to eat . . . 

[Grabs his plate 
Why, my platter is clean! Oh, who’s stolen 
my treat? 


31 


Goldilocks 


[scene I 


MRS. BEAR 

Why, the food is all gone! . . . that I made 
with such care! 


TINY BEAR 

I’m so hungry . . . 


FATHER BEAR 

Base Woman! I won’t call you Bear . . . . 
You’re the culprit; you ate it yourself! 
Come, confess. . . . 

MRS. BEAR 

No, I didn’t, Old Grisley! What woe, what 
distress, 

To be called such a name! 

TINY BEAR 

I’m so hungry! 

[Sobs 

MRS. BEAR 

For shame! 

I won’t stand it an instant! I vow and de¬ 
clare 


32 


scene i] and the Three Bears 

There's no woman in me! I'm an honest 
She Bear! 


FATHER BEAR 

[Ashamed of his remark ] 
Well, perhaps 'twas severe. 


TINY BEAR 

[Picking up goldilock’s hat\ 

Look! 


FATHER BEAR 

Why, what have we here? 

MRS. BEAR 

It's from one of those things that you called 
me! 


FATHER BEAR 

How queer 

'Twas the owner of this ate our luncheon, 
I’ll swear . . . 

She may still be about. Let's pursue up the 
stair! [Exeunt the three bears 

33 


Scene II. The bears’ Bedroom . 

Enter goldilocks, carrying her doll 

GOLDILOCKS . 

This is just what we’re seeking! Now, 
which shall it be 4 ? 

We were wanting two beds and—behold— 
there are three! 

Why not try them in turn? First the big 
one. . . . [Lies down on it 

Too roomy! 

Dolly, dear, in a huge bed like this, we’d feel 
gloomy. . . . 

Next, this sweet little cot. It’s too tiny for 
me 

But ’twill suit Dolly dear to a turn, I can 
see! [Puts dolly to bed 

Now, go dody! go dody! Count sheep 
through a gap . . . 

And you’ll soon be asleep like a good little 
chap, 


34 


SCENE II] 


Goldilocks 



“one would think it was bears 

35 


»> 

















scene ii] Goldilocks 

While your own little mother will settle 
quite near 

In this nice little bed by your side, Dolly 
dear! [Lies down on the second bed 

But what noises downstairs! 

[Growling heard 
One would think it was Bears! 

[Jumps up and listens 
What growling and howling and rending 
and tears. . . . [At door 

I believe some one’s coming. I think I’ll just 
hide, [Gets behind curtain 

Don’t be frightened, dear Dolly! I’m here 
close beside. . . . 

Enter the three bears 

FATHER BEAR 

Who’s been sleeping in my bed*? 

Just look! What a wry bed. . . . 

The pillow pressed up and the counterpane 
down! 


37 


Goldilocks 


[scene II 


MRS. BEAR 

And my bed’s all crumpled 
And twisted and rumpled 
And welted and wumpled 
And dirty and brown. . . . 

[Scream from tiny bear 
Now, now! What’s the matter? 

TINY BEAR 

[Pointing at dolly] 

Look at her! Look at her! 

There she lies on my bed, sound asleep I 
declare! 


MRS. BEAR 

Let’s beat her! 


TINY BEAR 

Let’s eat her! 


FATHER BEAR 

The nasty white creeter! 

[All three leap towards dolly hut , 
just in time , goldilocks seizes 

38 


scene ii] and the Three Bears 



EXIT GOLDILOCKS 


39 


t 


scene ii] Goldilocks 

her from behind the curtain and 
leaps on to window sill . 

GOLDILOCKS 

Thanks so much for the porridge! Good 
day, Mr. Bear! [Exit 

[Tableau and Curtain 




41 



TORQUIL MAC FERRON 


DRAMATIS PERSONiE 


torquil mac ferron, a Villain . 
douglas, a Hero . 
jean, a Beauty . 
dame elspeth, Jean’s Mother . 


TORQUIL 
MAC FERRON 


A MELODRAMA 

Scene I. A room in dame elspeth’s 
Cottage . 

JEAN 

’Tis a quarter to twelve. In fifteen minutes 
more 

’Twill be time to steal out through the old 
cottage door. 

To steal out through the porch and climb 
over the gates 

To the nook in the orchard where Douglas 
awaits. 

Oh, my heart, do not flutter: my pulses be 
still; 

Oh, my limbs, cease to tremble; sustain me 
until 

45 


Torquil Mac Ferron [scene i 

The slow moments have passed and ’tis time 
that I start 

To where Douglas awaits me, the King of 
my Heart. 

Enter elspeth 

What! Mamma? 

ELSPETH 

Yes, my daughter; your 

mother indeed, 

To discuss some most interesting topics I 
need. 

You’re no longer the child that, by discipline 
wise, 

I brought up through its youth. You have 
grown such a size, 

Have shot up such a pace, little Jean, if you 
please, 

That your frocks of last year hardly reach 
to your knees. 

Why, how well I remember . . . 

46 


SCENE i] Torquil Mac Ferron 



“poor pussy, come here” 

47 







































scene i] Torquil Mac Ferron 

JEAN 

[Looking at the clock ] 

We’ll leave it at that. 

I must go to the garden to search for the cat; 
The poor creature is lost. 

ELSPETH 

Not a bit of it, dear. 
She is out on the landing. [Opens the door 
right ] Poor pussy, come here. 

[The cat comes in and sits by the fire 
I was saying that clearly and well I recall 
How I made her first frock when my daugh¬ 
ter was small; 

When a yard of white dimity, beautiful 
stuff, 

Was all that was wanted and more than 
enough. 

But now . . . 


JEAN 

I can’t find my new book; what a bore! 

Ah, I left it, I think, by the granary door. 
Just excuse me a moment. 

[Goes towards the door 

49 


Torquil Mac Ferron [scene i 


ELSPETH 

No, darling, don’t fret. 

There’s your book on the dresser. How soon 
you forget. 

Well, you’ve grown and you’ve grown and 
it’s easily seen 

That there isn’t another as fair as my 
Jean; 

But each word and each gesture my memory 
jogs . . . 


JEAN 

[Going to the door ] 

I’ll be back in a moment, it’s only the dogs. 

ELSPETH 

Why the dogs are indoors. Just sit down at 
the table 

And don’t worry for garden, cat, dogs or the 
stable! 

Please sit down and allow your old Mother 
her say; 

Tis a plan that will make you both happy 
and gay. 

50 


scene i] Torquil Mac Ferron 


It is time, my sweet child, you were settled 
in life 

And a good Christian man wants to make you 
his wife. 

JEAN 

What! I to be married*? Be married, 
what, 1? 

ELSPETH 

Yes, indeed, little Jean, and the suitor is 
nigh. 

He has cattle and sheep, he has houses and 
lands, 

All the wealth that was ours once is now in 
his hands; 

So, my child be as happy as ever you can 

With riches and wealth and a good Christian 
man. 


JEAN 

But, Mamma! But his name! Oh, you fill 
me with dread! 

51 


Torquil Mac Ferron [scene i 

ELSPETH 

Why, with Torquil Mac Ferron himself you 
shall wed; 

With Torquil so wealthy, so handsome, so 
clever, . . . 


JEAN 

What, marry that hideous old cuttlefish? 
Never. [She goes out 


52 


Scene II. The orchard . 


DOUGLAS 

Why, the old village chimes 
Have struck twelve several times 
And the moon has climbed high 
In the clear summer sky. 

Oh, my Jenny-Jing-Jee, 

Where on earth can she be 
And why doesn’t she come to her trysting 
with me? 

There her window I see. 

She’s awake you’ll agree 
And she promised to climb 
At the sound of the chime 
Over farmyard and gate— 

But she’s ten minutes late. 

Shall I chuck it and go or just stick it and 
wa it? [Looks to right 

What is that, by the way, 

Poking out of the hay? 

53 


Torquil Mac Ferron [scene ii 

And why does it wriggle, 

Squirm, squirgle and squiggle 
Towards the spot where I stand 
With a knife in its hand*? 

Why, it’s Torquil Mac Ferron; a murder he’s 
planned! 

[douglas draws his dagger and puts 
himself in an attitude of defence 


TORQUIL 

Now, presumptuous knave, 

Just prepare for your grave. 

By thus wandering late 

You have sealed your own fate. 

[ They fight . douglas falls 


TORQUIL 

[Cleaning his dagger ] 

Wretched creature, why stab it? 

It’s as soft as a rabbit. 

That’s the second just here! Why, it’s sheer 
force of habit. [Exit laughing 


54 




scene ii] Torquil Mac Ferron 



« 


that’s the second just here 

SHEER FORCE OF HABIT” 


55 


i 


WHY, IT’S 






















scene ii] Torquil Mac Ferron 

[The cottage door opens, jean en¬ 
ters the orchard. Seeing douglas 
lying unconscious , she screams 
and runs towards him. dame 
elspeth comes out. 

JEAN 

What treason, what crime and what das¬ 
tardly deeds! 

Oh, poor Mr. Douglas, how freely he bleeds. 

Here, help me to bandage him up with my 
blouse 

And then we’ll just carry him into the house. 

ELSPETH 

Tut tut, and dear dear; what a terrible 
thing! 

The villain who did it must certainly swing. 

In this very same spot it is strange to relate 

Your poor dear Papa met the very same 
fate. 

I recall it as clearly as if ’twere last night 

And here’s this poor boy in the very same 
plight. 


57 


Torquil Mac Ferron [scene ii 


JEAN 

Oh, Mamma, do be quiet and give me a 
hand. 

We must carry him into the house . . . 


ELSPETH 

Understand, 

Dearest child, quite distinctly and once and 
for all, 

That I won't have strange gentlemen laid in 
my Hall. 

What on earth would folks think? What 
on earth would folks say? 

Leave him here. There’ll be others to take 
him away. 


JEAN 

Oh, Mother, be kind, do not shrink from the 
task. 


ELSPETH 

Wed Torquil, my child, and I’ll do what you 
ask. 


58 


scene ii ] Torquil Mac Ferron 

JEAN 

Very well. Tis a bargain. I’ll argue no 
more. 

Just pick up his legs and step out for the 
door. 

[They carry douglas indoors 




59 


Scene III. A room in dame elspeth’s Cot- 
tage. douglas on a pallet by the win¬ 
dow. dame elspeth and jean at the 
table. 


ELSPETH 

Be gay, be gay, 

To-morrow’s the day 
A carriage and pair shall arrive, 

And Mrs. Mac Ferron 

In ermine and heron 

To Castle Mac Ferron shall drive! 

DOUGLAS 

Ah, me, ah, me, 

It’s dreadful to be 

Stabbed deep through the lungs and the 
liver. 


JEAN 

I’m not glad in the least 

60 


scene hi] Torquil Mac Ferron 



“it’s dreadful to be stabbed deep through 

THE LUNGS AND THE LIVER” 


















scene m] Torquil Mac Ferron 

To marry that beast; 

The prospect, I vow, makes me shiver. 


ELSPETH 

[Rising ] 

Upstairs, upstairs, 

Don’t give yourself airs, 

Come lay out the silk and brocade. 

When the wedding bells chime 
You’ll have such a good time 
If you’re only a sensible maid. 

[elspeth and jean leave the room 


torquil appears at the window and looks in 
without noticing douglas 


TORQUIL 

[At windowli 

What! my plump little partridge has quitted 
her nest? 

I had hoped to have clasped her soft form to 
my breast. 


63 


Torquil Mac Ferron [scene ih 

Well, well, never mind. From to-morrow 
she's mine, 

I'll stroll down to the Inn for a flagon of 
wine. 

But before I move off to attend to my thirst 

I feel bound to get through my soliloquy 
first. 

[Clears his throat . Assumes an atti¬ 
tude 

How remarkably strange. How peculiarly 
queer, 

That Torquil Mac Ferron at last should be 
here. 

How unprecedented that I should have been 

Of all men singled out as the husband of 
Jean! 

Why, ideas like this were the last that I had 

When I prodded my dirk through her stodgy 
old Dad. 

No, I never once thought as I throttled his 
craw 

I was putting an end to my father-in-law! 

Dear, dear, how times change; how things 
alter, well, well! 

64 


scene m] Torquil Mac Ferron 

Ton my soul, who’d have thought it; you 
never can tell! 

[Disappears towards the Inn 

DOUGLAS 

Oh, joy! oh, joy! 

I’ve got you, my boy. 

Your secret is now in my hands. 

Go, swallow your wine 
But Jean shall be mine 
As well as your cattle and lands. 

Enter jean 

jean 

Oh, Douglas dear, 

I’ve stolen back here 

To tell you how deeply I feel it; 

The terrible blow! 

This Torquil, you know, 

I hate him and cannot conceal it. 

DOUGLAS 

A kiss. A kiss. [They embrace 

65 


Torquil Mac Ferron [scene m 

No more about this, 

As bridegroom I’ll find you another. 

Old Torquil won’t do 

As husband for you 

Just call down your reverend Mother. 

jean goes out and returns with dame 

ELSPETH 

DOUGLAS 

A terrible secret has come to my ears. 

From Torquil Mac Ferron’s own words it 
appears 

That the villain who did your late husband 
to death 

And deprived Miss Jean’s Pa of his very last 
breath, 

Urged on by ambition and greedy for pelf, 

\Vas no other than Torquil Mac Ferron him¬ 
self. [Screams from the ladies 

Enter torquil 

DOUGLAS 

[To torquil] Slave, impostor, hound, con¬ 
fess. 


66 


scene in] Torquil Mac Ferron 



“see this gentle maid’s distress; 

SEE THIS ANCIENT LADY’S TEARS” 

67 























scene m] Torquil Mac Ferron 

See this gentle maid’s distress; 

See this ancient lady’s tears; 

Widowed since a dozen years. 

Widow, orphan, there behold 
Him who for estates and gold 
Cruelly and basely slew 
One who was most dear to you. 

[torquil staggers back 
Jealous also and afraid 
I might win this tender maid, 

Me, as well, he stabbed and bled, 

Left me on the ground for dead. 

Come, impostor, knave, confess. 

Since I know , you can't do less . 

TORQUIL 

With deepest contrition 

I make the admission 

That the charge is substantially true, 

That the late Mr. E. 

Owed his exit to me 

Can no longer be hidden from you . 

There are things I might say 
To explain it away 


69 


Torquil Mac Ferron [scene hi 

But ’twould hardly be very good taste 
To describe the temptation, 

To clean perforation 

That was offered by Mr. E.’s waist. 

[To jean] So accept at my hands 
All the houses and lands, 

All the cows and the fields under tillage 
That belonged to your sire. 

I propose to retire 

And set up in a neighbouring village. [Exit 
[douglas and jean clasp hands . 
dame elspeth gives them her 
blessing . 


ALL 

Oh, now is the time! 

Let the wedding bells chime 
And all nature be jovial and gay. 

With virtue victorious 
Happy and glorious 
And villainy driven away. 

[Curtain 


70 


THOMAS OLIFANT 


DRAMATIS PERS0N2E 


thomas olifant, Son of a Parliamentary 
General . 

barebones, A benevolent Fanatic . 

Beatrice Howard | Cavalier Cousins of 
PHCEBE CAVENDISH f TkomaS. 


DAME GRUBB. 


THOMAS OLIFANT 

A MELODRAMA IN ONE ACT 

Scene: The Play Room at Castle Olifant 

[ 1659 ]. 


PHCEBE 

Look at Thomas Olifant, 

Dirty Thomas Olifant! 

Beatrice, in all your days did you see his 
like? 


BEATRICE 

With his knees that seem to bend, 

And his long hair all on end! 

Nasty little Olifant, grubby little tyke. 

THOMAS 


I can fight. 


73 


Thomas Olifant 


PHCEBE 

Oh, hark at him! 

BEATRICE 

Listen to the hero grim! 

I believe you’d run away, shaking in your 
shoes, 

If the cruel Barebones came. 

DAME GRUBB 

Horrid little girls, for shame! 

Why should you abuse 
Master Thomas Olifant? 

PHCEBE 

Master Thomas Olifant? 

Master Thomas Spratl 
l should choose a cavalier 
Gallant, like my brother, dear, 

Not a Roundhead brat! 

THOMAS 

Noll could fight and so can I. 

74 


Thomas Olifant 

BEATRICE 

What of Rupert, Master Sly? 

Oh, to think that we, 

Splendid Howards and Cavendishes 
With disgusting Roundhead fishes 
Sent to stay should be! 

DAME GRUBB 

He’s your Cousin. 


PHOEBE 

Fie! 

BEATRICE 

And fie! 

Roundhead Cousins I deny, Murderers of 
their King! 

DAME GRUBB 

Hush, be careful. Such a word 
If the cruel Barebones heard 
Sorrow it might bring. 

BEATRICE 


Silence, Phoebe! 


75 


Thomas Olifant 


PHCEBE 

Silence, Maid. 

THOMAS 

What of Barebones? Who’s afraid? Yll 
defend you both. 


DAME GRUBB 

Master Thomas, pray be still. 

He would come and he would kill. 
He has sworn an oath 
Not a single child to spare; 

To destroy them everywhere, 
Slaying low and high. 

[A voice on the stairs ] Bloodl 

PHCEBE 

What’s that? 


BEATRICE 

[Jumping up\ 
What can it be? 

[The voice, nearer] Blood! 

76 


Thomas Olifant 



“oh. heavens! it is he” 

77 







































Thomas Olifant 

ft 

BOTH GIRLS 

Oh, Heavens! It is he! 

DAME GRUBB 

Fly, my children, fly! 

[dame grubb and both girls rush off 
the stage, thomas creeps be¬ 
hind the clock 

Enter barebones 

BAREBONES 

Ha! No children about? I expected to 
find 

At least half a dozen young imps of the kind. 

Well, well! As no infants are here to be 
bled 

I’ll explain my intentions and motives in¬ 
stead. 

To begin with, why murder ? Why slaugh¬ 
ter at all? 

Or why limit one’s rage to the callow and 
small? 


79 


Thomas Olifant 

I’ll explain. I was once like the rest of my 
kind; 

I deferred to the young with a servitude 
blind. 

I submitted my spine to the pickaback 
test 

And allowed little children to climb on my 
chest. 

My wife, a good creature, in spirit but poor, 

Like myself, was a slave to the wild imma¬ 
ture. 

But she didn’t quite see—so at least I 
opine— 

That there does come a point where one must 
draw the line! 

[In a tragic voice\ There were triplets 
three times and then two lots of twins; 

Then a sequence to five—and my story 
begins! . . . 

I had dandled all night numbers ten to four¬ 
teen 

And found jujubes for seven and five in 
between; 


80 


Thomas Olifant 

I’d extracted a farthing, half swallowed by 
four, 

And had rolled to amuse number six on the 
floor, 

When my wife, who all night at the cradle 
had been, 

Said, “OA, do be a pussy for number sixteen .” 

In a flash I perceived it. My duty was 
plain. 

You may say ’twas inhuman. Consider 
again. 

On one side, the untamed and untameable 
band; 

On the other, the chopper, quite close to my 
hand. 

I selected the chopper and chopped with a 
will 

Till the awful hubbub in the nursery was 
still. 

If you think it severe , recollect I had been 

Asked to act as a pussy for number sixteen . 

[Pauses and feels the edge of the 
chopper 


81 


Thomas Olifant 


[Reflectively] Well, my wisdom had 
earned its reward, I suppose— 

I enjoyed quite a fortnight of perfect repose. 

’Til I felt my inaction a shame and disgrace 

And decided to chop for the good of the 
race! 

I believe that my work has been useful. I 
feel 

That my chopper has chopped for the gen¬ 
eral weel. 

I shall fight for the right and shall never 
desist 

’Til I prove that Grown-ups have a right to 
exist. 

But time flies. I have much to perform 
before dark. 

There’s that primary school and the creche 
and the- 

[A low “Mee-awe” from behind the 
clock 

Hark! 

[The “Mee-awe” is repeated 

How amazing! How strange! What on 
earth can it mean*? 

82 



Thomas Olifant 







































Thomas Olifant 


THOMAS 

[Creeping from the clock , with a white cloth 
over his head—just like a ghost!] 

Oh , do be a pussy for number sixteen! 

[barebones covers his ears with his 
hands and flies in terror . thomas 
withdraws behind the clock 

dame grubb and the girls enter on tiptoe 


DAME GRUBB 

He has gone. He has gone. All our danger 
is past. 


PHCEBE 

We can walk without fear in the Castle at 
last. 


BEATRICE 

My canary is safe, I perceive it with joy. 


PHCEBE 

But where , tell me where , is that poor little 
boy? 


85 


Thomas Olifant 


BEATRICE 

When we fled to the loft was he with us? 

PHCEBE 

Why, no! 

I saw never a trace of the lad. 

DAME GRUBB 

We must go 

Search the garden, the stables, the loft and 
the hall 

And the underground cellars and rooms 
above all. 


BEATRICE 

But, dear me! there was only one line of 
retreat— 

’Twas the one that we took to the loft, I 
repeat! 


PHCEBE 

Oh, Beatrice! Beatrice! did he not say 
That if Barebones arrived, to defend us he’d 
stay? 


86 


Thomas Olifant 


\ 



“cookoo!” 


87 

































































Thomas Olifant 


Oh, the poor little hero, the brave little man! 

He remained at his post while the rest of us 
ran. 

Woe is me! We have lost Cousin Olifant 
brave. 

We shall see him no more. He has gone to 
his grave! 


BEATRICE 

[Sobbing] 

Ah, his dear handsome face we shall ne’er 
see again. 


PHCEBE 

[In tears ] 

Noble boy, noble boy. Oh, the sorrow and 
pain! 


BEATRICE 

How I loved him in life. How I miss him 
in death! 


PHCEBE 

How he fought for us both to his very last 
breath. 


89 


Thomas Olifant 


BEATRICE 

We have lost him, alas! 

PHCEBE 

We have lost him, Boo-hoo! 

BEATRICE 

Oh, our dear little, brave little cousin! 

THOMAS 

[Looking from the clock ] 

Cookoo! 

[phcebe and Beatrice fling them¬ 
selves on him and kiss him 

PHCEBE 

Gallant Thomas Olifant, 

Noble Thomas Olifant! 


BEATRICE 

Hail, our brave defender, you are safe and 
you are here. 


90 




Thomas Olifant 



























Thomas Olifant 


PHCEBE 

Splendid Thomas Olifant, 

Noble Thomas Olifant! 

BOTH 

Beatrice and Phoebe both adore their Cousin 
dear! \Curtain 


93 


4 









- i 


i 





TYRANNY 






DRAMATIS PERSONS 


king, A Reactionary Monarch. 
chancellor, A Time-serving Politician. 
policeman, An Honest Official. 
prisoner, An Intelligent Young Man. 
executioner, A Native of Esperanto. 
bride, A Sweet Woman. 
ex-wife, A Sour Woman. 
child, A Passive Bundle. 


TYRANNY 


Scene. The Palace. The king, chan¬ 
cellor, and EXECUTIONER. 

KING 

Now where is the culprit 4 ? 

CHANCELLOR 

He’s waiting outside, 

Your Majesty’s pleasure! 

KING 

And where is the bride? 

CHANCELLOR 

She too in the ante-room stands at your call. 

KING 

And what is she like 1 ? Is she stumpy or tali'? 

97 


Tyranny 

Is she succulent, soft, sweet, severe or 
sedate? 

And what of the poor wife deserted? 

CHANCELLOR 

Oh, Great 

And Majestical Ruler, the Bride, if you 
please, 

Is as sweet as a syrup, as rich as a cheese. 

While as for the former attachment, well, she 

Is large and severe, with a child on her knee. 

KING 

Well, call them all in. 

[To executioner] But before we proceed 

Is your axe in good order? Your wrist as it 
need? 

Swift, sure of its stroke, never missing its 
shot? 


EXECUTIONER 

Mein axe, und mein wrist 
Sind sehr gutlich, Mein Gott! 

98 


Tyranny 



“well,, she is large and severe, with a child 

ON HER KNEE” 


99 


) 

■> 1 > 
0 r ' 












































































Tyranny 

KING 

Then bring the base culprit before me I say, 
I’ll teach him to lure pretty maidens away 
From their mothers, their aunts and their 
sisters and brothers, 

[chancellor opens door and 
beckons 

I’ll make an example most helpful to others. 

Enter prisoner, bride, wife and child, 
and policeman. 

So this is the wretch! Now, sir, what do 
you mean 

By this awful behaviour? 

PRISONER 

Your Highness I ween 
That a trial includes both a jury and judge, 
And I call these proceedings just rubbish and 
fudge! 


EXECUTIONER 

Hoch, Donner und Blitzer! 

101 


Tyranny 

CHANCELLOR 

Good gracious! 


POLICEMAN 


My word! 


PRISONER 


[To audience] 

Do you think I’ll accept for my judge this 
old Bird? 


KING 

I’ll soon teach you that Eagles are birds to 
respect 

Royal Eagles! . . . 

PRISONER 

. . . Are very like kites I expect! 

EX-WIFE 

Now you see what Fve had to put up with, 
[To prisoner] You Knave! 

So you’d drive your poor suffering wife to 
the grave 

And desert your poor child? 

102 


Tyranny 



EXECUTIONER. CHANCELLOR. POLICEMAN. 
“HOCH, DONNER UND BLITZER!” 

“GOOD GRACIOUS !” 

“my word!” 


103 































Tyranny 

PRISONER 

Oh, you just drive me wild! 

I dislike your high voice, I detest your fat 
legs. 

You are hopeless at porridge, and cannot 
cook eggs. 

[booking at bride] But my heart just goes 
out to this plump little starling. 

[To bride] You know all about cooking 
and kissing. 


BRIDE 

Yes, darling! 

CHANCELLOR 

This is perfectly awful! 

EXECUTIONER 

Es tut-et mir leid! 

EX-WIFE 

Just come home with your wife! 

BRIDE 

Just be true to your bride! 

105 


Tyranny 

KING 

Just reach up for my dagger! 

CHANCELLOR 

This youth is absurd! 

EXECUTIONER 

Gieben mir meines axes als bliitchen! 

POLICEMAN 

My word! 


PRISONER 

Now I wish to speak freely, Bosch, Copper 
and all. 

’Tis to your better selves I appeal and I call! 

It is just as important for you as for me 

From this red-faced old gentleman here to be 
free. 

What’s the good of a King^ We can man¬ 
age without him! 

Dear comrades in arms, ’tis our business to 
flout him! 


106 


Tyranny 



“you know all about cooking and kissing.” 
“yes, darling!” 


107 





















Tyranny 

I suggest that you place me at once on the 
throne 

With a view to his trial. 


POLICEMAN 

’Tis tempting, I own. 


EXECUTIONER 

Was fur wunschen wir einer Koenig und 
Kaiser 4 ? 


EX-WIFE 

Why, my ’Enery is right, or my name ain’t 
Elizer! 


CHANCELLOR 

I perceive in the words of this able young 
man 

Something modern and smart. He has dash 
and elan! 

I believe there is much to be gained by sup¬ 
porting him. 


109 


Tyranny 

BRIDE 

Now, wasn’t I right in selecting and courting 
him*? 


ALL 

Then down with this Nero! this Charles! 

this Macbeth! 

Henry Smith is our King! 

[To monarch] We condemn you to death. 

[Curtain 


110 


Tyranny 



“WE CONDEMN YOU TO DEATH** 


111 


I486 316 






































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